Sunday 18 December 2022



I always wanted to become a stand-up comedian. Perhaps, that's the reason why I chose to become a teacher. And I thought I made a pretty wise decision. I mean if you consider things carefully, being a comedian is an extremely difficult job. Making someone laugh is getting tougher with every passing year.

Over the years, I have collected many jokes. In fact, I often use them to teach English. Anyhow, hoping everything that offends people will not be considered illegal, let me give you a list of 10 of my favourite jokes that I feel will assuredly put a smile on your face.
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1. Rest Assured

An elderly man wasn't feeling well for the past few days. So his son, John, took him to a hospital they have never visited in the past.

At the Reception

The Receptionist (with a welcoming smile): Good Morning, Sir. How may I help you?

John (with a worried look on his face): Good Morning. I... I needed to ask you something. You see I recently took one of our neighbours to a hospital. The specialist diagnosed pneumonia, but the very next day, my neighbour had a cardiac arresta heart attack. Sadly he passed awaydied. So I'm a little worried about my father, you see. Would you mind if I ask you a few questions about the doctors in this hospital?

The Receptionist (reassuringlyin a way that makes you feel less worried or uncertain about something): Rest assured, Sir! It'll not happen here, Sir. You have my word. If one of our specialists diagnoses pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia.

For the middle class, the lesser evilthe less unpleasant of two or several bad choices is the only option.

2. Finding Heaven

Once upon a time there was a man named Sagan. The moment he died he woke up in a beautiful place. But his loved ones were not there. However, he wasn't alone. There was a figure who was wearing white robes. This figure approached Sagan and said, "Greetings to you, my friend. It's my job to make you happy. Tell me what you want. I will fulfil every wish of yours."

So for months, Sagan enjoyed heavenly music, wonderful meals, and everything he never experienced when he was alive.

But after a while, he got bored of doing the same thing every day. He decided to speak to the white figure.

Sagan: I’ve really been enjoying myself, but now I’d like to do some work.

The White Figure: What do you mean?

Sagan: Well, I’d like to feel useful. I'd like to accomplish something.

The White Figure: I’m terribly sorry, but I cannot grant that wish. In fact, that’s the only wish I am unable to grant. People here don’t work. All they do is have fun.

Sagan: But a life of just pleasure is extremely boring. It has no meaning. I’m starting to think that maybe I’d be better off in Hell.

The White Figure: My dear, Sagan. Where do you think you are?

3. Bear in Mind

A river had only knee-deep water. So a monk and his disciple decided to cross it on foot. They saw a beautiful young woman standing on the river bank, who wanted to go across. But she didn't want her clothes and shoes to get soaked to the skinextremely wet. Seeing her in a dilemma, the monk offered to carry her across the river, which she gladly accepted.

However, the disciple didn't like what his teacher was doing. "He claims to be a pious man, an ardent follower of celibacythe state of not having sex, especially because you have made a religious promise not to," he thought, "and, just look at him now. He is carrying such a beautiful woman in his arms."

Anyhow, they crossed the river. The woman thanked them and went on her way. Soon after she left, they found a secluded place and started meditating. While the monk was fully absorbed in his meditation, his disciple was looking at him angrily. "What am I doing with this hypocritesomeone pretends to believe something that they do not really believe, or that is the opposite of what they do or say at another time," he said to himself, "I must confront him with the sin he committed. He owes me an explanation."

He was thinking about asking the monk about the way he dealt with the woman then and there. But all of a sudden, the monk opened his eyes and looked at his disciple with a smirka smile that expresses satisfaction or pleasure about having done something or knowing something that is not known by someone else on his face.

"I put her down long ago, but my child, I see you are still carrying her," the monk said smilingly.

4. Truth Be Told

The nurse told the parents of a newly-born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The husband smilingly said, “I'm pretty sure you say that to all new parents.”

“No,” she replied with a self-satisfied smirk on her face, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

5. The Uncommon Sense

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalizedto institutionalize: to send someone, especially someone who is not able to live independently, to live in an institution (= a place such as a hospital)?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."


6. Genesis

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and that's how we have so many people."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, it is extremely simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."

7. Preoccupied

In the school canteen, there was a basket of apples with a written note: "DON'T TAKE MORE THAN 1! GOD IS WATCHING!"

A little further there was a box of chocolates. One of the students wrote:

"Take as many as you want. God is watching the apples."

8. Finding Hell

When John died, his soul was mistakenly sent to hell, where he saw a banquet was held in a huge castle. Many souls were seated before amazing food. However, a long spoon was strapped to each person's wrist. This spoon was so long that he or she was unable to bring the delicacies to his or her own mouth. And so everyone was full of frustration and rage.

After a few days, when John was finally sent to Heaven, he found the same setup there, except that everyone was radiantly happy because the people were using the long spoons to feed each other.

9. Perspective

At first, William was reluctantnot willing to do something and therefore slow to do it to show his father his report card. But he had to get his father's signature. His father looked at the grades and then for a brief little second, it seemed he was carefully considering things.

William, of course, didn't know what to make of it. And to be honest, he wasn't proud of his performance in the half-yearly exams, on which the highest grade was a D+. But he was genuinely surprised to see his father sign in the appropriate spot with an "X". "Why'd you do that, Dad?" asked his son. "Because with grades like those," his father explained, "I don't want your teacher to think you were raised by people who can read and write."

10. Prediction

An elderly woman knew that she didn't have much time left. So she hired an artist to paint her portrait. At the first sitting, she said to him, “Could you paint me with a gold necklace, emerald earrings, and a diamond tiara?”

“I’d be happy to,” said the artist.

“Why don’t you get those items and put them on?”

“I can’t,” said the woman. “I don’t own anything like that.”

“Then why do you want me to paint them?”

“Because I’m pretty sure that my husband has been seeing a younger woman. When I die, and he marries her, I want her to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

I sincerely hope you enjoyed going through this collection. If you liked it, please share this post with your friends. Take care.



Classic Jokes Funny JokesFunniest Jokes from the Last 100 YearsMost Hilarious Jokes Ever10 CLASSIC JOKES THAT ARE MORE THAN JUST "JOKES" Rajdeep Banerjee RB RBTHOUGHTCASTLE English is Easy with RB